The Mythical Fried Beggel

There's a rather long story as I lead up to the 'meat' of this post, so bear with me. And by bear with me I mean dress us as a bear; or strip down bare. Or both, if you can pull it off.

Sorry, I'm still half asleep.

I don't normally remember my dreams, but today I work up from a nap craving something from a dream; a Beggel. I managed to recreate some of the events that led to this; for posterity I'm going to explain what I remember from the dream, but this post is really all about the Beggel.

There's a lot from the dream I don't recall; my recollection start with me speaking to my friend Megan about some kind of project which possessed dangerous knowledge. This knowledge was extremely empowering, but if others knew what I did they would hunt me down. I don't remember a thing about what this knowledge actually was; in retrospect, it may have been the secret recipe for the Fried Beggel.

I then went to visit several of my other project collaborators at an apartment complex. The apartment complex was attached to a parking garage. Right after parking near the top, most of the lights went out and it began raining outside. Instead of taking the stairs or elevator I reasoned that walking the long way to the exit through the dark was the safest thing to do. Apparently I also reasoned pushing a shopping cart with me was also a good idea. At some point I decided I was being followed by somebody with the intent to kill me, so I jumped into the shopping cart and rode it down the remainder of the parking garage incline.

I have a feeling this didn't end well, but thankfully my mind self edited out any sort of unfortunate crash and fast forwarded me to breakfast. I had stayed at a guest apartment at the top of the parking garage after meeting with my collaborators; the parking garage had a breakfast buffet set up for ... guests, I suppose? My family was there, but they were all walking out to a nearby movie theater.

I rummaged through the buffet; there was a metal container of food that was almost empty, but it has another one under it; once I lifted off the mostly empty container I found the Beggel. I wasn't yet aware of it's awesomeness; I grabbed it and a cinnamon bun and ran off after my family.

Walking into the movie theater I began to eat; the cinnamon bun was okay, but the Beggel was ... perfect. It looked like a bagel on top, but the bottom had a consistency which somehow combined fried eggs and moist, chewy bagel bread. I could tell it had somehow been fried as well, at least on the bottom. My dream logic reasoned that it must have been a regular bagel fried in bacon fat and eggs on a skillet, and the bagel had somehow bonded with the fried egg in pure deliciousness. While eating it I woke up, hungry and with a fantastic craving for a Beggel

I'm not sure I will ever know true happiness again after eating the Fried Beggel. I know it was only a delicious dream apparition, but it was just so ... perfect. All other foods from now on will taste like ash in my mouth. I may have to become a homeless vagrant, living by my wits while I travel the world searching for the mythical Fried Beggel. No love, no family, no friends can even compare to this amazing food; I would abandon everything just for one more taste of the Fried Beggel. It was  JUST   THAT    GOOD!

Duck + Snake = Dragon?

It's a common misconception that the Mongoose is the mortal enemy of the Snake (thank you Rikki-Tikki-Tavi for perpetuating the stereotype of Mongeese as fearsome Snake killers). The actual mortal enemy of the Snake is the Duck, and vice versa. Ducks constantly try to steal Snake scales to aid in their swimming prowess by reducing water friction; Snakes lust after the Ducks feathers, believing if they can accumulate enough they may be able to achieve flight and conquer the one area they have constantly failed (the sky).

Both species are also unusually aggressive, as anybody who's ever been chased by a Duck can attest to (and I don't really feel I need to explain why Snakes are aggressive). With all factors considered, though, I think I may have discovered the underlying reason behind both species behaviors; they're both have Dragons as a common ancestor.

Snakes took after the serpentine Dragon characteristics, and Ducks took after the flight characteristics. But on some level of genetic memory both species remember their former glory; this alone might be enough reason for their antagonism towards each other, but I believe there is an even deeper reason. Sexual Tension.

Snakes and Ducks are secretly attracted to each other's latent Dragonish characteristics. On some basic level they wish to copulate to try and recreate a Dragon; but neither species will admit to this and instead focuses on trying to steal the parts that will make them feel whole again. Which is probably best for mankind.

The Smoothie King

This story is influenced heavily by my addiction to Smoothie King and it's delicious, delicious Banana Boats =).

Smoothie King, always wanting to further push the bounds of deliciousness, set forth on an ambitious creation. Code-named 'Project Infinity,' they set out to steamline the process of smoothie creation by building a laser which could instantly 'smoothify' anything. The laser was designed to break down any object into a nutritious, delicious slurry which could then be consumed.

Unfortunately, as is want to happen with projects of such an ambitious nature, there was an accident. During a mysterious explosion Dr. Infinity, the creator of the smoothiefication beam, became partially smoothiefied. Doomed to a miserable existence of being partially liquid he made the only logical choice; to destroy anything and everything around him. He became an unrelenting force of smoothiefication; half man, half smoothie, all hate.

Using a portable version of the smoothiefication beam Dr. Infinity sets out on a quest to find the source of the mysterious explosion which has cursed him and hopefully, along the way, reverse the damage done to his body before he completely degenerates into a smoothie; and he will destroy anything in his path trying to stop him. He has become the Smoothie King.

Moto-Horsie Mark III

Moto-Horsie Mark III is a mechanized Segway with an umbrella dome on top. Its primary purpose is to get you back and forth to your vehicle on rainy days. It could also feasibly be used to try and pick up women on rainy days who are both without umbrella and also lazy; a dangerous combination =).

Moto-Horsie Mark I & II

Moto-Horsie Mark I is a motorcycle stylized after a horse. I would dress up like a cowboy and then ride it up and down the street yelling 'Giddyap!' while swatting it's backside with a riding crop. It may need hydraulics to get the galloping motion accurate.

Moto-Horsie Mark II is a motorized wheelbarrow I came up with while talking to somebody I will refer to as Texty-kins (you know who you are ;) ). Moto-Horsie Mark II doesn't share much in styling with Moto-Horsie Mark I except for my strange desire to call anything motorized a 'Horsie'.

Texty-kins works in a mulch yard; I asked her what would happen if I brought in a wheelbarrow and asked to get it filled with mulch. After being told that wouldn't work, I decided it would be better to try and build a motorized wheelbarrow, strip down to my boxers, and drive it into the mulch yard demanding to be covered in mulch.

Okay, I didn't actually decide to do this so much as tell her I would and then imagine the outcome, but that's not as funny.

Continuing on; after being chased out of the office I would lead them all on a magical chase up and down the piles of mulch while I looked for the mystical 'Crazy Shed'. They have a problem with drivers going crazy sometimes, so in my mind their facility is actually a Mulch Yard/Sanitarium, with a shed out back where they keep the crazies.

It's also like a Dirt Theme Park. I'm positive on slow days they water down the mulch and make 'mudslides' to ride down. They even have mascots; "Rickey and Rinnie" the rats, who are the friendliest rats in the world. They love to pounce on Texty-kins from the rafters; she apparently has a strange affinity for rodents.

After touring the Crazy Shed and getting my picture taken with Rickey and Rinnie, and maybe taking a few trips down the mudslide, I would leave on Moto-Horsie Mark II with Texty-kins and ride off into the sunset. A perfect day =).

Flying Buffalo Wings

Have you ever been eating wings and suddenly had the epiphany of how awesome flying buffalo would be? That happened with me and some friends back in college. But we quickly figured out that it was an impractical, although awesome, pipe dream.

Flying buffalo would need large, ungainly wings to achieve flight; genetically designing such features would be a challenge, at best. But it could possibly be done, although it would require a radical redesign of the buffalo's musculature, bone structure, and circulatory system. All of that, though, is a potentially surmountable barrier.

The real problem is when you tried to integrate the flying buffalo into practical society. Oh, sure, at first everybody would want one and it would be heralded as the invention of the century. But soon you'd have to deal with the aftermath.

Have you ever seen a buffalo shit? Neither have I, but assuming it's something like a cow ... it would be impressive. Now imagine that hitting your windshield while driving down the freeway.

Then imagine one dying in midair and falling. Or one getting sucked up into a plane's jet engine. And the less said about "Flying Buffalo Suicide Bombers" the better.

Still though, a part of me wants to say "Practicality Be Damned" and try to create a flying buffalo purely so I could ride around on it and mock all the sad, ground bound pedestrians.

Hmm; maybe it's not that there shouldn't be flying buffalo. Maybe there just shouldn't be flying buffalo for other people =).