The Illustrated Children's Guide to the Marquis de Sade

Perhaps I'm alone in this, but I always found the Marquis de Sade to be a tragically comical historical figure. I read a biography of him in college that included raunchy pictures done in a victorian style that were actually drawn by him; the man was a genius, albeit a genius in a very specialized area. The Marquis de Sade was a pervert and sexual deviant before it was 'cool'.

Maybe it's because of this that I came up with a story idea; I drew this as the hypothetical cover of a picture book retelling his biography in a comical and over the top manner (sadly, though, I wouldn't have to actually exaggerate his story that much considering how over the top the man was in real life). So, without further ado I present to you: The Illustrated Children's Guide to the Marquis de Sade

Do you think that's too much?

The Innkeeper

I used to write a lot of poetry when I was younger; I was in a poetry mood tonight, so I wrote this. I may add more to the story eventually; perhaps to tell the Innkeepers sad, tragic tale? Who knows =).

To warn those who enjoy my random humor; while there is a little humor in this, it's more seriously written than I normally do. Don't worry; I'm sure I'll be back to making up silly things later =).

The Innkeeper

Come in, my good sir!

Grab a table and chair!

Would you care for a meal?

For our fare is quite fair!

A fair play on words

If I say so myself

Don't you agree?

Oh; well then, suit yourself

And you, my fine sir!

Do you need a fresh plate?

Some more ale for your glass?

For the thirst you can't slake?

No, I don't disapprove

Fact, I'll join you this round

This one is on the house!

So don't spill on the ground

But still I must ask

Is there story to tell?

Some demon inside

With it's personal hell?

My business it's not

But I'll ask anyway

For I've found, here around, if there's something to say

It's the Innkeepers job to listen away

I've heard stories of politics

Deceit, and crime

Lost loves, found loves

And love without time

Family's that have been torn apart

Family's together from the start

Tales of whimsy, and tales of lies

Tales of the dead, and of those still alive

I've heard the same story

From two different men

And two different stories

From only one man

And there's nothing you'll say, which will cause me to frown

To furrow my brow, and on you to look down

For I'm not here to judge, but I don't mind advising

If guidance is needed, I will do the guiding

My business it's not

But I'll ask anyway

For I've found, here around, if there's something to say

It's the Innkeepers job to listen away

….

Can you repeat that phrase?

For it's like I've not heard

In my many of days

A person ever ask

To listen to my story

Should you want to hear it

In all it's gory glory?

Well then!

Settle in!

While we both wine and dine!

This ale's a poor vintage

I'll bring something fine

An aged brandy, perhaps?

For tonight the Innkeeper

Is you, my good sir,

And I will be the speaker.

Chuck Norris

I have a strange fondness of Chuck Norris jokes; there particular brand of non-sequitor humor tickles me in a very inappropriate way =). I decided to try and make up a few new jokes:


Chuck Norris's beard can impregnate women.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to be liked; only feared.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget so many times in the face that his body stretched out to full person size. Then he ate him.

Chuck Norris has 2 midgets that live in his beard and eat scraps. Just kidding, Chuck Norris ate the midgets too.

5 midgets tried to impersonate Chuck Norris by dressing up as him. Chuck Norris found out and broke himself into 5 Mini-Norris; each Mini-Norris then ate a midget. This is why Chuck Norris is known as the only human capable of asexual reproduction.

Somebody once told a Mini-Norris that he was cute. Mini-Norris responded by jumping into the man's mouth, clawing his way down his esophagus, and then roundhouse kicking his way out through his sternum. Then he curled up and took a nap in his chest cavity. It was adorable.