The Illustrated Children's Guide to the Marquis de Sade

Perhaps I'm alone in this, but I always found the Marquis de Sade to be a tragically comical historical figure. I read a biography of him in college that included raunchy pictures done in a victorian style that were actually drawn by him; the man was a genius, albeit a genius in a very specialized area. The Marquis de Sade was a pervert and sexual deviant before it was 'cool'.

Maybe it's because of this that I came up with a story idea; I drew this as the hypothetical cover of a picture book retelling his biography in a comical and over the top manner (sadly, though, I wouldn't have to actually exaggerate his story that much considering how over the top the man was in real life). So, without further ado I present to you: The Illustrated Children's Guide to the Marquis de Sade

Do you think that's too much?

The Innkeeper

I used to write a lot of poetry when I was younger; I was in a poetry mood tonight, so I wrote this. I may add more to the story eventually; perhaps to tell the Innkeepers sad, tragic tale? Who knows =).

To warn those who enjoy my random humor; while there is a little humor in this, it's more seriously written than I normally do. Don't worry; I'm sure I'll be back to making up silly things later =).

The Innkeeper

Come in, my good sir!

Grab a table and chair!

Would you care for a meal?

For our fare is quite fair!

A fair play on words

If I say so myself

Don't you agree?

Oh; well then, suit yourself

And you, my fine sir!

Do you need a fresh plate?

Some more ale for your glass?

For the thirst you can't slake?

No, I don't disapprove

Fact, I'll join you this round

This one is on the house!

So don't spill on the ground

But still I must ask

Is there story to tell?

Some demon inside

With it's personal hell?

My business it's not

But I'll ask anyway

For I've found, here around, if there's something to say

It's the Innkeepers job to listen away

I've heard stories of politics

Deceit, and crime

Lost loves, found loves

And love without time

Family's that have been torn apart

Family's together from the start

Tales of whimsy, and tales of lies

Tales of the dead, and of those still alive

I've heard the same story

From two different men

And two different stories

From only one man

And there's nothing you'll say, which will cause me to frown

To furrow my brow, and on you to look down

For I'm not here to judge, but I don't mind advising

If guidance is needed, I will do the guiding

My business it's not

But I'll ask anyway

For I've found, here around, if there's something to say

It's the Innkeepers job to listen away

….

Can you repeat that phrase?

For it's like I've not heard

In my many of days

A person ever ask

To listen to my story

Should you want to hear it

In all it's gory glory?

Well then!

Settle in!

While we both wine and dine!

This ale's a poor vintage

I'll bring something fine

An aged brandy, perhaps?

For tonight the Innkeeper

Is you, my good sir,

And I will be the speaker.

Chuck Norris

I have a strange fondness of Chuck Norris jokes; there particular brand of non-sequitor humor tickles me in a very inappropriate way =). I decided to try and make up a few new jokes:


Chuck Norris's beard can impregnate women.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to be liked; only feared.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget so many times in the face that his body stretched out to full person size. Then he ate him.

Chuck Norris has 2 midgets that live in his beard and eat scraps. Just kidding, Chuck Norris ate the midgets too.

5 midgets tried to impersonate Chuck Norris by dressing up as him. Chuck Norris found out and broke himself into 5 Mini-Norris; each Mini-Norris then ate a midget. This is why Chuck Norris is known as the only human capable of asexual reproduction.

Somebody once told a Mini-Norris that he was cute. Mini-Norris responded by jumping into the man's mouth, clawing his way down his esophagus, and then roundhouse kicking his way out through his sternum. Then he curled up and took a nap in his chest cavity. It was adorable.

The Mythical Fried Beggel

There's a rather long story as I lead up to the 'meat' of this post, so bear with me. And by bear with me I mean dress us as a bear; or strip down bare. Or both, if you can pull it off.

Sorry, I'm still half asleep.

I don't normally remember my dreams, but today I work up from a nap craving something from a dream; a Beggel. I managed to recreate some of the events that led to this; for posterity I'm going to explain what I remember from the dream, but this post is really all about the Beggel.

There's a lot from the dream I don't recall; my recollection start with me speaking to my friend Megan about some kind of project which possessed dangerous knowledge. This knowledge was extremely empowering, but if others knew what I did they would hunt me down. I don't remember a thing about what this knowledge actually was; in retrospect, it may have been the secret recipe for the Fried Beggel.

I then went to visit several of my other project collaborators at an apartment complex. The apartment complex was attached to a parking garage. Right after parking near the top, most of the lights went out and it began raining outside. Instead of taking the stairs or elevator I reasoned that walking the long way to the exit through the dark was the safest thing to do. Apparently I also reasoned pushing a shopping cart with me was also a good idea. At some point I decided I was being followed by somebody with the intent to kill me, so I jumped into the shopping cart and rode it down the remainder of the parking garage incline.

I have a feeling this didn't end well, but thankfully my mind self edited out any sort of unfortunate crash and fast forwarded me to breakfast. I had stayed at a guest apartment at the top of the parking garage after meeting with my collaborators; the parking garage had a breakfast buffet set up for ... guests, I suppose? My family was there, but they were all walking out to a nearby movie theater.

I rummaged through the buffet; there was a metal container of food that was almost empty, but it has another one under it; once I lifted off the mostly empty container I found the Beggel. I wasn't yet aware of it's awesomeness; I grabbed it and a cinnamon bun and ran off after my family.

Walking into the movie theater I began to eat; the cinnamon bun was okay, but the Beggel was ... perfect. It looked like a bagel on top, but the bottom had a consistency which somehow combined fried eggs and moist, chewy bagel bread. I could tell it had somehow been fried as well, at least on the bottom. My dream logic reasoned that it must have been a regular bagel fried in bacon fat and eggs on a skillet, and the bagel had somehow bonded with the fried egg in pure deliciousness. While eating it I woke up, hungry and with a fantastic craving for a Beggel

I'm not sure I will ever know true happiness again after eating the Fried Beggel. I know it was only a delicious dream apparition, but it was just so ... perfect. All other foods from now on will taste like ash in my mouth. I may have to become a homeless vagrant, living by my wits while I travel the world searching for the mythical Fried Beggel. No love, no family, no friends can even compare to this amazing food; I would abandon everything just for one more taste of the Fried Beggel. It was  JUST   THAT    GOOD!

Duck + Snake = Dragon?

It's a common misconception that the Mongoose is the mortal enemy of the Snake (thank you Rikki-Tikki-Tavi for perpetuating the stereotype of Mongeese as fearsome Snake killers). The actual mortal enemy of the Snake is the Duck, and vice versa. Ducks constantly try to steal Snake scales to aid in their swimming prowess by reducing water friction; Snakes lust after the Ducks feathers, believing if they can accumulate enough they may be able to achieve flight and conquer the one area they have constantly failed (the sky).

Both species are also unusually aggressive, as anybody who's ever been chased by a Duck can attest to (and I don't really feel I need to explain why Snakes are aggressive). With all factors considered, though, I think I may have discovered the underlying reason behind both species behaviors; they're both have Dragons as a common ancestor.

Snakes took after the serpentine Dragon characteristics, and Ducks took after the flight characteristics. But on some level of genetic memory both species remember their former glory; this alone might be enough reason for their antagonism towards each other, but I believe there is an even deeper reason. Sexual Tension.

Snakes and Ducks are secretly attracted to each other's latent Dragonish characteristics. On some basic level they wish to copulate to try and recreate a Dragon; but neither species will admit to this and instead focuses on trying to steal the parts that will make them feel whole again. Which is probably best for mankind.

The Smoothie King

This story is influenced heavily by my addiction to Smoothie King and it's delicious, delicious Banana Boats =).

Smoothie King, always wanting to further push the bounds of deliciousness, set forth on an ambitious creation. Code-named 'Project Infinity,' they set out to steamline the process of smoothie creation by building a laser which could instantly 'smoothify' anything. The laser was designed to break down any object into a nutritious, delicious slurry which could then be consumed.

Unfortunately, as is want to happen with projects of such an ambitious nature, there was an accident. During a mysterious explosion Dr. Infinity, the creator of the smoothiefication beam, became partially smoothiefied. Doomed to a miserable existence of being partially liquid he made the only logical choice; to destroy anything and everything around him. He became an unrelenting force of smoothiefication; half man, half smoothie, all hate.

Using a portable version of the smoothiefication beam Dr. Infinity sets out on a quest to find the source of the mysterious explosion which has cursed him and hopefully, along the way, reverse the damage done to his body before he completely degenerates into a smoothie; and he will destroy anything in his path trying to stop him. He has become the Smoothie King.

Moto-Horsie Mark III

Moto-Horsie Mark III is a mechanized Segway with an umbrella dome on top. Its primary purpose is to get you back and forth to your vehicle on rainy days. It could also feasibly be used to try and pick up women on rainy days who are both without umbrella and also lazy; a dangerous combination =).